Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
