Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
