Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
