I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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