theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
