bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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