So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
whose parrot is this?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
