I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
