I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
