College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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