I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
