you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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