I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
handjob tips. give me some.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
