last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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