Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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