apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
