So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
