Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
