if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
