why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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