Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
