I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
