and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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