He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
