nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
