i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
