You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
