If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
