There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
