Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
