I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
