we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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