dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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