I skipped work to stalk him.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
