I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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