I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
