My liver just broke up with me...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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