Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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