i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
