Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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