there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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