Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
