Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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