Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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