Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
