Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
