I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
