im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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