His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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