my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
